How negative language doesn’t work!

“Don’t lick the spoon yet!... Stop eating the mixture!”–

Whatever you do now, DON’T look behind you… DON’T even think about what’s going on behind you now… Hard isn’t it?! I bet, even if you didn’t actually turn to look behind you, you were certainly thinking about what was going on behind you… and that’s exactly what I asked you NOT to do… Now try this one: DON’T think of a big grey elephant, with it’s long trunk swinging…

The reason you find it hard not to do what I’ve asked you not to do is because of how your brain works out what my words mean. To understand NOT doing something, our brains first create an impression of what it is we’re not meant to do. We then have to kind of cross it out in our heads so as not to do it.
So, “Don’t smile” goes something like this:

Smile, o, yes that’s what smiling is… I can do that…		but I mustn’t do that...		So here I am trying not to smile

And we are adults, with plenty of experience of language and what words mean. Think for a moment what it’s like for a child, who is just learning language and what words mean:

What we say		What they “hear”		What’s likely to happen
Don’t throw your food!		Throw your food!		Child thinks “Sure thing!” and throws more food.
Stop smearing your yoghurt!		Smear your yoghurt!		Child thinks “Wow, so this is called smearing yoghurt! It sounds as good as it feels!” as more is smeared.
Don’t take your nappy off!		Take your nappy off!		Child proceeds to take off nappy
Don’t hit me!		Hit me!		Ouch!

Chances are we get more of exactly what we didn’t want.

So, whenever you hear yourself thinking or saying “Don’t….” or “Stop….” And you really would like your child to do something else, pause for a moment and consider

What can I usefully/safely encourage my child to do instead?

Then, tell your child to do what you want them to do. The clearer your instruction, and the more vivid and appealing your alternative sounds, the more likely you are to get your child to do it… Because, again, their brain will create an impression of your alternative, based on the words you’ve used.

Here are some more examples for you to try out considering

What can I usefully/safely encourage my child to do instead?

• Don’t run into the road!
• Don’t play with the video!

And, for older children

• Don’t just throw your coat on the floor!
• Don’t just help yourself from the biscuit tin!

Some suggestions for alternatives to “Don’t…” “Stop…”

And, whenever it’s appropriate, reinforce your words with a clear demonstration of the behaviour you want. With very young children, you can help them to do what you are asking – e.g. helping them spoon their yoghurt.

This is just one quick way of thinking about how you can choose your words to get what you (really!) want. Want to explore some more? Why not come along to a workshop? For more infomation on workshops please click here.